


I deserve it - No you don't (engl.)

by JuliHeart



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Men Crying, Other, Pain, Sad Kageyama Tobio, Self-Harm, Senpai-Kouhai Relationship, Sickfic, throwing up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:47:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25674571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JuliHeart/pseuds/JuliHeart
Summary: When everything goes wrong, when nothing works anymore and you achieve nothing, no matter how hard you try, then one day you'll reach a point where you just collapse.I've reached that point. Grief, fear, self-hatred, shame, pain.It is too much. It's all too much.I need help...
Relationships: Kageyama Tobio & Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 2
Kudos: 149





	I deserve it - No you don't (engl.)

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [I deserve it - No you don't (ger.)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23432062) by [JuliHeart](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JuliHeart/pseuds/JuliHeart). 



> German version ♡ ↑
> 
> This is my translated version of my own story:  
> It's pretty probably not perfect, but I tried my very best and I hope it's ok. (｡•́︿•̀｡)♡
> 
> \- !TW! -  
> Sickfic + This story contains the topics depression and self-harm.  
> Please, please do not read if it triggers you!
> 
> Otherwise: Please enjoy!

One loud bang follows the other. They're getting louder, more unbearable, by every second. Everything before my eyes is starting to get blurry. I feel dizzy, and sick.  
I come to a halt - my head facing the ground - and wrap my arm around my stomach, hoping it would prevent me from throwing up on the gym floor at any moment.

"Kageyama, are you all right?"  
Hesitantly, I lift my head again and shake it slowly in denial as I see Sugawara coming towards me. "To be honest, I feel quite sick. Can I maybe take a short break?" My voice sounds weak. _Pathetic_.

 _No wonder I feel sick_.

"It's all right. It's probably best if you go straight home. You really don't look good." The silver-haired boy looks at me in concern. "Are you gonna make it on your own, or do you want someone to accompany you? I could-."  
" _No_ , no. It's okay. I can do this. But thanks, Suga."  
I turn away from my senpai before he can say anything more. I start walking out of the gymnasium and I can literally feel the confused and worried looks of my teammates on my back. But I ignore them.

_I deserve it._

Slowly, step by step, I drag myself towards the clubroom.  
My stomach is cramping and my head feels fuzzy. It hurts. But I ignore it.

_Todays training was disastrous. Again. No matter how much I practice. It's my fault._  
_I deserve it._

I climb up the stairs and walk down the corridor to the door of our clubroom. After I entered and closed the door behind me again I head straight for my gym bag.

_It'll be my fault if we lose the next tournament. Everyone is so good, trying so hard. And I'm blowing it._  
_I deserve it._

My fingers - they shake a little, which worries me - get a gray cloth bag to hold. I pull it out of the bag, turn around and walk towards the showers where I lock myself into the only toilet stall. Then, I pull back the zipper of the small bag.

_Why can't I do anything right? Why am I so bad? WHY? I practice. Every day. Without a break. And yet..._  
_I deserve this punishment._  
_I deserve it._

My fingers find a small, silver object. A razor blade. So thin and yet so dangerous.  
The trembling of my hands gets worse as I pull my sports pants down a little and look at my hip, which is already adorned with thin, reddish cuts and white scars. I swallow heavily. The bad feeling in my stomach is getting worse. I feel so sick.  
_Please don't puke..._  
Slowly, I guide the blade towards an empty space on my skin. I pause. The soft feeling of cool metal on my skin has a weird, calming effect on me. I know what I'm about to experience. I know it all too well.

_It's my fault our team is struggling. It's MY fault Hinata can't train properly anymore - that he suffers._  
_That's why I deserve this. The pain is my punishment. A reminder that I have to get better. At any cost._

Then I apply some pressure. It burns, it stings, it _hurts_. I press my eyes close, bite my lip, but I don't want to stop just yet. Slowly, the blade cuts through my skin leaving the familiar feeling that - however absurd it sounds - I have longed for.  
After I'm done I take the blade aside again and open my eyes. I watch in silence as small crimson drops rise from the thin line I've just created, until too much of the red liquid has collected and - attracted by gravity - begins to run down my hipbone. At the end the drop hits my sports pants and begins to soak them in blood.  
Now I put the blade on my skin again, apply pressure, pull through.  
_Again_.  
I repeat it, flinch in pain, hold my breath, ignore it all, continue.

_I'm sorry, all of you. I promise to move on. And if it's no good - if I don't finally get better, then..._

I freeze. Only now do I realise that I've lost track of time. I lower my eyes and stare at my hip.  
From one second to the next, an overwhelming nausea hits me. I drop to my knees, grab the toilet seat and manage to open it at the very last moment before it happens. My stomach's cramping up, so bad, that I'm choking. Tears start forming in my eyes and feel dizzy.  
It only takes a few minutes for all my stomach contents to empty itself into the toilet bowl.  
It takes me a worryingly long time to catch my breath and calm down again.  
When my breaths have become a little more regular I reach for some toilet paper and start pressing it against my open wound. It instantly becomes soaked with blood. I throw it into the toilet and reach for the next bundle of paper.

It feels like an eternity until the bleeding finally slows down. I don't even dare to take a second look at the cuts.  
To be on the safe side, I put a few more layers of paper on the wound and then - very carefully so that nothing slips - pull my pants back up into place.  
Back in the clubroom I only change my shirt and shoes before I leave the room and soon after the school campus.  
My weakened legs carry me along the streets. I walk without having a clear destination, because I do not want to go home yet.  
My head is empty. My body is empty. I'm an empty, dead shell. That's what it feels like. Only the sharp pain on my hipbone reminds me that I'm still alive.

_I deserve it. I deserve it..._

These words keep echoing in my head. Over and over again.

_I deserve it. I deserve it..._

"Hey, watch it!"  
Startled I come to a halt and stare at the strange boy who had just stumbled past me. He's wearing a white jacket, a blue shirt, brown plaid trousers.  
_I know that uniform..._  
I raise my head and look at the building in front of me. Reddish evening light illuminates the area. I recognize it immediately. The Aoba Jōsai Highschool.  
Without thinking about it any further I start to walk on and step through the big frontgate of the school.  
The campus is huge. As you would expect from such a famous elite school.  
I continue strolling towards the gym and ignore the questioning looks I get. Ignore the pain.

_I wonder if Oikawa's here today. Is he maybe still training?_

The gym is getting closer and closer. From the inside I can hear the loud bang, of a single ball hitting hard on the gym floor.  
No matter who's in there, they definitely seem to be alone.  
I sneak up towards the big double door, taking a cautious look inside.  
And I was right. There's Oikawa. A new ball in his hands, eyes closed, highly concentrated. Then his eyes snap open again. He exhales visibly. His next movements are fast and controlled. He throws the ball into the air, takes a run-up, jumps off, swings his right arm back and hits the ball with a breathtaking force to the other side of the net.

I make a small step into the gymnasium. He notices me right away and an annoyed expression is forming on his face.  
"What are you doing here?" Brief silence. "Spying on me because it's not working the way you want?"  
Now I step all the way into the gym and close the door behind me - sealing us off from the outside world. "No and yes."  
"Which one now?" the captain asks me, wiping some sweat from his forehead.  
"I don't want to spy on you. But things really haven't been going too well lately..." Towards the end my voice gets quieter with every word. My heart is beating fast and strong in my chest. I feel so weak. "I need help."  
My dark eyes are fixed on the person opposite me, his brown eyes staring back at me. Questioning and annoyed.  
"I told you before, you need to get more involved with the Shrimpy. If you can't take my advice, then-"  
" _NO!_ " Oikawa flinches from my sudden raise in volume. My muscles tense up and my eyes start to burn. The pain in my hips stings mercilessly. "I need _help. Please_..."  
Suddenly, I can feel something wet running down my cheeks.  
_Am I crying?_  
Ashamed, I press my hands to my eyes, lowering my head towards the ground. My shoulders begin to shake as I try desperately to suppress this overwhelming wave of sadness. But it is useless. One heartbreaking sob after the other escapes my lips. I'm embarrassed, but I can't stop it.  
"Tobio-chan?" The voice is suddenly surprisingly close to me. He sounds... confused,...worried.  
I let my trembling hands sink and raise my head again. " _Please, help me Oikawa. I can't do this anymore. Please..._ "

For a few moments nothing happens. There's not a single sound except for my sobbing. Oikawa just stares at me. An expression of pure confusion is written on his face.  
My pulse is racing and I'm scared. I don't know what I'm scared of, but I can feel my whole body trembling. I slowly raise my arms. Eyes still fixed on the person in front of me. His eyes follow my movements. With my left hand I lift up my shirt, with my right hand I pull down my pants and the toiletpaper.  
My tears come to a stop.

Suddenly, Oikawa's eyes widen and his facial expression changes drastically. From confusion to pure horror.  
" _Tobio! What the-_ "  
Before I could even react the older boy made a few steps towards me and wrapped his arms around my body. Surprised by the sudden touch I let my hands loose again and the waistband of my trousers snaps back and hits the open wound. The emerging pain makes me flinch violently and elicits a loud cry of pain from my lips.  
Startled, Oikawa lets go of me again.  
I hastily correct the position of the trousers, but the pain continues to pulsate through my body and fresh, deep red blood starts to seep out of the wound again. In the corner of my eye I can see Oikawa looking panicky through the gymnasium before he grabs my wrist and pulls me towards a room I don't know. I follow him, stumbling, and only a few moments later I find myself in one of the changing rooms.  
"Sit down."  
I'm being pushed onto one of the wooden benches.  
"I'll be right back. _Don't_ move an inch."  
I nod hesitantly. "Yeah, okay." I answer quietly, barely audible and I'm starting to feel dizzy again.  
I watch Oikawa disappearing behind a corner and only a short time later coming back with a small metal box in his hands.  
"Pull down your pants, we have to treat this immediately."  
I stare at him in surprise. "B-but -"  
"No buts. Drop your pants. _Now_."  
I obey, get up - the pain makes me clench my teeth -, pull down both my pants and underwear, so that the wound is completely visible, and then sit back down again. Then Oikawa kneels down in front of me, opens the metal box and digs for a few things. He takes out a bandage and a pair of scissors, cuts off a long piece, folds it a few times and then puts it on the wound, making me jump from the pain. I bite my lower lip, trying to keep my voice down.  
"You have to apply pressure to the wound until I put the bandage on. Understand?"  
I nod. "Y-yes."  
As previously announced, he then begins to apply the bandage. After a short while he asks me to remove my hand and then finishes his task. Oikawa gets up to his feet again, looking down at me with a serious expression. "Okay, I'm finished. I'm gonna go call a doctor now."  
_What?_  
" _NO! PLEASE!_ ", I jump forward and grab his wrist. Holding it iron. " _Please don't. Please Oikawa!_ " I say looking up at him. He looks back at me. His gaze is serious.  
"This is not a joke, Tobio. This is _serious_."  
"I _know_ , but-"  
" _You_ asked me for help, remember? I'll help you, but then you have to go along with it." I dare not to make a sound. "If you're lucky, you'll just have to take it easy for a while. Be sensible."

_To hear that from his mouth..._

"All right..." I let go of his wrist again and lower my gaze. I watch Oikawa leaving my field of vision and listen as he seems to fetch something from one of the lockers. A short time after he left the room I can hear his soft voice outside the door.

  
-OoO-

  
I stare silently at the sterile, white-painted wall in front of me. My gaze wanders over the furniture, the grey doctor's desk, the computer, the keyboard, a stack of papers and folders.  
Next to me is Oikawa. His shoulder leans against mine and he holds one of my trembling hands, caressing its back with his thumb.  
"Tobio?"  
I don't respond. Keep looking straight ahead into emptiness.  
"Why did you do that? Is everything really that bad?"  
I flinch. That's definitely not what I wanted to hear. Like so many times this day, I lower my face towards the ground. I'm a mess. A mess of fear, emptiness and shame.  
"Yes. I- I deserve it."  
"What makes you think so?" Oikawa's voice is unexpectedly calm. It makes me feel safe in a weird kind of way.  
"I'm just holding my team back. If we lose, it'll be all my fault. I'm a pain in the ass. I'm useless. I deserve it."  
A brief moment of silence. Then a quiet laughter. My gaze instantly shifts to the older boy next to me. On his lips lies a gentle, yet sad smile.  
" _No, you don't_." He looks right at me. His brown eyes are gentle and protective, like an older brother's. " _I, I, I_. You're only talking about yourself. Have you forgotten again? There are _six players_ on the court. The team with the better six players wins, not the team with the best setter. It's true, we setters have an important role, we are in charge of the offense, but without the spikers we'd be useless."  
_I know..._  
"If you get tired, your teammates will be there to help you. You trust them, don't you?"  
I nod. "Yes."  
"There you go." Gently, he puts an arm around my shoulders and pulls me closer. I greedily sink into his arms, more than happy to receive this comforting, protective warmth.  
"Nobody's perfect. I'm not, and neither are you. Everyone will go through bad times at one point - when nothing works out the way it should. But if you don't give up and move on, then one day it will get better. And no matter how long it takes until that day comes, your team will support you. You're not alone, Tobio."

It's happening again. Tears are forming in my eyes and start rolling down my cheeks. A loud sob makes my body shake and I cling desperately onto Oikawa's shirt.  
I can feel a big hand resting on the back of my head and gently brushing through my raven hair.

  
"You can do this, Tobio-chan. I believe in you."

**Author's Note:**

> I really, really hope you enjoyed it!  
> Please feel free to correct me, or give me tips if there are any mistakes. ☆


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